Heyoooooo!
We are so back.
I apologize for the absence, but I’ve been busy moving across the god damn country. I haven’t written anything for almost two weeks now, an-accidental yet-subconsciously-deliberate break. Is that just a long-winded way of saying I was being lazy? Probably. But look pal, when your apartment is empty, torn apart, and full of boxes, you don’t really feel like doing much work from home.
My final two weeks in Los Angeles were a chaotic blast. Just a whole lot of drinking and hanging out with people that I will miss dearly. Actually, I counted, and I spent 15 straight days drinking some kind of alcohol. That’s just too much, man. People kept buying me drinks or refilling my glass of wine. I took mushrooms in the desert and drank loads of poolside Campari while firing a bb gun at a gun range made from cardboard boxes and empty cans of seltzer. One nice thing about being away from all of my friends now? I don’t feel the need to drink at all. Peer pressure, even pushing 40, is very real.
I’ve been searching for some sort of cheesy thing to say about my 7 years in Los Angeles, and I think it’s this—L.A. is a city of friendship. It’s a town that’s absolutely stacked with fun, charismatic, and cultured folks. The type of people that I’m thrilled I now get to know and keep in touch with forever. Over the years my Los Angeles friends have shown me kindness, praise, thoughtfulness, understanding, and, at times, a staggering amount of forgiveness (I can be a shithead.) I left L.A. a far less cynical person and a vastly more loving one, which is stupid because I moved there to do jokes about my cock and balls.
Anyway, I’m off to Detroit very soon. But first! I hit multiple restaurants on my drive from Los Angeles to Pennsylvania. This road trip was unofficially sponsored by Celsius. If my heart explodes soon, please know that it’s because I consumed far too many Celsius drinks over the last 72 hours.
Here’s a thought: Energy drinks should have to be named something horrifying like Venom or Terror or Rusty Nail. Celsius makes it sound like my body needs the energy drink, which it doesn’t. It needs water and Italian sandwiches and to rewatch the Amazon show Patriot. Celsius is sinister branding. At least put some skulls on the fucking can.
Anyway, mannnn this country has some great regional fast food. Here’s a recap of the best things I ate from L.A. to P.A.
But first, subscribe will ya?
Eegee’s Chipotle Ranch Fries
My first stop brought me to Eegee’s, an Arizona-based fast food chain that specializes in frozen slushy drinks and grinders. I’m here to write a report for The Takeout, but at The Move you get the scoop first. The first thing I noticed? This place was chilly. I mean the AC must have been set to 65 degrees. I get the sense that people in Arizona are scared shitless of the heat (that’s where you get so scared that the shit in your body leaves you.) The brutal Summers must leave some nasty scars on people. Every room I entered felt like Pennsylvania in January.
The grinder at Eegee’s was a wet, cold, lifeless dud. Skip it. You honestly might get a better sandwich at Subway. I would sooner ask Jared to personally make a sandwich than get a grinder from Eegee’s again. Also, I thought that “grinder” implied toasted. This sandwich was not toasted, and it really would have helped. Ah, well. Don’t go to Eegee’s to eat a sandwich, that’s all I’ll say.
The creamy and sugary frozen slushy (which they strangely call an eegee), really hit the spot, though. I got the piña colada with lime, and it came with little bits of shredded coconut. It was delightful and refreshing. The Sonoran Desert gets hot as hell, so I can see why places like Eegee’s are a huge hit come Summertime in Arizona. The real star at Eegee’s, though, are the crinkle cut fries and ranch dressing.
Eegee’s uses a frozen crinkle cut fry, but they are of excellent quality. I was astonished at how crispy and creamy these fries were. So often crinkle cut fries feel unseasoned and limp, but not here. These were darkly golden. Eegee’s also really pushes you to dip your fries into ranch (it’s even pictured on their website), but the real move here is to order their fries “party style.” That includes bacon bits and ranch dressing. The ranch comes in three flavors: Original, buffalo, and chipotle. The ranch is applied tactically using a squirt bottle, and the flavor compliments the well-fried crinkle cuts well. A big ol’ plate of party fries cost $7.99, and easily feeds two.
Good fries are hard to come by, so it’s worth a stop if you find yourself in Tuscon or Phoenix.
Eegee’s
Multiple locations in Arizona
Steak Fingers from Mac’s Steak in The Rough
This old school New Mexico drive-in specializes in chicken fried steak fingers served with white gravy. That’s right—steak fingers. Steak fingers are an outlier in the world of fast food; while there’s plenty of chicken nuggets available, there’s almost no steak nuggets. Cravens!! Show us your beef and bread it!!!
Mac’s is a former fast food chain that has basically worked backwards. At one point they had multiple locations, but they have since narrowed it down to a single outpost. In a greedy world rife with needless expansion and franchising, that’s refreshing. All the respect in the world to Mac.
The steak fingers (labeled under the original rough dinner) cost $16.09 and they’re awesome. These tender and beefy steak fingers are hand-cut and breaded on site. When you dunk them into the peppery white gravy the whole experience feels deeply like Southern comfort. The original rough dinner is pricey, but they come served with coleslaw, a single Hawaiian bun, fries, and a sprig of green onion. It’s a whole dang meal.
It should be said that the slaw sucks. It’s sweet and watery but somehow, somehow, the slaw does add to the whole thing. It doesn’t stand on its own, but the sweetness is a pleasant addition to this otherwise savory experience. The Hawaiian bun is greasy and also sweet, which makes for a nice little steak finger sandwich. The fries are straight cut and otherwise standard, but dunking them in white gravy is a singular fast food experience. And mannnn, biting into that sprig of green onion is pungent and lovely. It’s a surprisingly balanced dinner.
My only knock on the steak fingers is that the breading isn’t very crispy, but also, is it supposed to be? I haven’t had chicken fried steak in quite sometime. The steak fingers would certainly be elevated with some crispiness, but that’s it. Mac’s is dope, and New Mexico has awesome fast food through and through. More on that next.
Mac’s Steak in The Rough
4515 Menaul Blvd. NE
Albuquerque, NM 87110
The New Mexico Burger at Blake’s Lotaburger.
Blake’s Lotaburger is a New Mexico burger chain that’s been around since 1952, and man alive their burger is good. I put it a full tier above Whataburger. Though, it’s not hard to outdo Whataburger’s double meat burger. I picked one up while I drove through Amarillo, and it was fine. When people discuss Whataburger vs. In-N-Out, they are surely taking into account the chain as a whole, because if it’s burger vs. burger, who in their right mind would choose Whataburger?
Anyway, the LOTA burger New Mexico style features two fresh ground beef patties, roasted Hatch chiles, American cheese, thick slices of white onion, iceberg lettuce, tomato, mustard, and pickles. The meat tastes fresh and welllll-seasoned. Why so many l’s? Because it’s borderline salty. Each bite is so damn savory and I love that. The patties are crispy, too. It’s not necessarily a smashburger with laced edges, but you can tell there’s some awesome caramelization going on here. The lettuce and tomato are fresh, the pickles tangy, and the mustard is spread thinly. This thing rocks and does exactly what it’s supposed to. It also feels wholly different than any other burger I’ve had recently. Hatch chiles are just so damn spicy, aromatic, and sweet.
It’s a big honkin’ burger that comes in at over 1,000 calories. It also costs $12.42 for this huge burger and a side of fries. Pretty good deal. The fries are fresh cut, and also delicious. Damn. I’ve been sleeping on Lotaburger. There’s 75 locations, mostly in New Mexico, but there’s some in Tuscon and El Paso, too. Check it out.
Blake’s Lotaburger
Multiple locations in New Mexico, Arizona, and Texas
The fish sandwich at Jimmy’s in New Castle, Pennsylvania
It’s Lent, and that means on Fridays every Italian-Pennsylvanian in my hometown is driving their Catholic minivan to Jimmy’s on East Washington street.
Jimmy’s specializes in hoagies, burgers, and fries, but their real deal contribution is their crispy fried sandwich meal for only 9 dollars.
This was actually my first fish sandwich of the season, and while I much prefer Walleye (Michigan, here I come!) this fish sando features cod. It’s crispy, wet-fried like tempura batter, sticky, and delicious. Their tartare has the appropriate amount of onion, but what makes this sandwich so great is that Jimmy’s use potato rolls. The whole thing squishes and sings and there’s virtually no spillage. The fries are thick cut and the slaw is mayo chopped and mayo based.
I don’t know why you’d come through New Castle (do you want to meet my parents?) but if you do, swing by Jimmy’s and grab a fish sandwich.
Jimmy’s
1829 E. Washington St.
New Castle, PA 16101
That’s it! Thanks for reading The Move. I’m chillin’ around Western Pennsylvania for now, but I’ll be around Detroit next weekend to look at apartments. I’ve got some restaurants I plan on hitting, but if you have any suggestions: Let me know!!!
So they call them steak fingers rather than finger steaks in NM?