Heyo!
I wrote about a big plastic jug of cheeseballs this week. It’s a snack delivery system that I have long had an affinity for. Here’s an excerpt:
There’s something deeply gratifying about a giant tub full of anything edible. I surmise that’s because these bulky, industrial-looking snack containers immediately comfort us with the promise of abundance. The huge jug of peanut butter stuffed pretzels, for instance, has such an imposing physical form that it’s actually a relief. Don’t worry, buddy, there’s a whole lot of peanut butter pretzels to go around, the tub seems to reassure us. We simply won’t be able to crush the whole thing in one day, meaning more snacks tomorrow. And no snack is better suited to the enormous tub format than Utz Cheese Balls.
Utz rocks, and their chips are regularly the subject of my column for the The Takeout, which is titled “Chip Country.” Got any funky chips I should write about? Regional, global, or otherwise? Let me know in the comments!
Before we get to pepperoni rolls, subscribe! This is all free right now. Paying helps, but hey I’m not you (if I was I’d pay, though)
If you aren’t acquainted with the charming utility of pepperoni rolls, I wrote about them for The Takeout over the Summer and you can read about it here. Basically, ‘roni rolls (said in the worst Pittsburgh accent you can think of) are a soft Italian roll stuffed and baked with pepperoni and cheese. The fat from the cured pepperoni seeps into the bread and the cheese melts, forming a deliciously simple, working class Appalachian lunch. You see them at corner stores, gas stations, bakeries, delis, and farmer’s markets all over West Virginia, Western Pennsylvania, and Eastern Ohio.
I ate a lot of pepperoni rolls over the Summer, so below I’ll be ranking them using my patented, stupid-ass, shit-sniffing, completely contrived and pretentious decimal point ranking system!! Personally, I don’t think we should only be ranking restaurants and food with decimal point systems, I think we should be audibly speaking that way, too! Feel free to start shouting, “6.3!” and “wow, 8.2” at servers and chefs the next time you go out to eat. Everybody will love it.
Danny’s Big Time Pepperoni Rolls Rankings!!
Apple Castle
Apple Castle is a quaint, daily indoor farmer’s market in my hometown of New Castle, Pennsylvania. They sell all kinds of great produce, fresh donuts, local honey, candy, Pennsylvania pop, and these delicious, local varieties of apples so flavorful that they’ll completely ruin grocery store apples for you. Apple Castle also serves one of my favorite pepperoni rolls, and it’s a great one to start with because it’s made with pickled banana peppers.
These pepperoni rolls are more like rolls and less like the logs you’ll see later. They’re small yet mighty. The banana peppers add a lovely pickled, spicy vibe that compliments the bread, cheese, and pepperoni well. The brown bag which carries the pepperoni rolls is always a bit greasy on the bottom, almost like a bag of barbacoa tacos from my favorite taqueria in Austin. It’s meaty, cheesy, soft, and surprisingly oily for a place as lovely as Apple Castle.
Danny’s Official Score:
A 7.5, or maybe a 7.7. Wow, 7.7 looks sassy. The sassiest score for sure.
Apple Castle
277 PA-18, New Wilmington, PA 16142
Mancini’s
Mancini’s has my favorite tagline ever for a bakery: “The bread that makes butter taste better.” Damn, I hope whoever thought of that has their own ad empire.
Walk inside Mancini’s on Penn Avenue in Pittsburgh, and behind the counter you’ll notice a hotbox with the words “Pepperoni Rolls” lit up like a casino. It will beckon you. Go to it.
The pepperoni roll at Mancini’s feels most like a stromboli. The roll itself has a real pizza dough vibe to it; it’s soft, layered, and easy to rip with your hands. I love the texture of this thing both inside and out. The pepperoni is actually woven into the bread, so when you rip it open a bunch of pepp doesn’t just fall out everywhere. There’s a little cornmeal sprinkle on the roll, too for added texture. The whole thing reads like its been baked by somebody with pizza experience.
The pizza sauce on the side is sweet and gently seasoned with oregano, great for dipping. Not every pepperoni roll comes with sauce. I get the sense that this is more of a Pennsylvania thing. This is a great pepperoni roll through and through. It’s like an elevated 90’s school lunch. I’m a fan of Mancini’s.
Danny’s Official Score:
A 7.9, which is very close to 8, but if you give it an 8 that’s too big of a commitment.
Mancini’s
1717 Penn Ave, Pittsburgh, PA 15222
Pepoli’s
Pepoli’s is a company based in Huntington, West Virginia (a city that was once very cruelly and rudely fat shamed). As far as I know, Pepoli’s is the only mass produced pepperoni roll on the market, which means you’ll find it on shelves within gas stations and corner stores with regularity.
Pepoli’s is stuffed with Carando pepperoni, which is not very good. It’s fake and plastic and very mild. The bread, though, is pleasantly sweet, almost like a Hawaiian roll. It’s got a rich olive oil taste to it that I love. You can get Pepoli’s with or without Great Lakes mozzarella cheese; I got it without. Just bread and pepperoni….kind of makes you go, “What the fuck?” Get Pepoli’s if you’re about to pass out from hunger or if you need to fall asleep immediately.
Danny’s Official Score:
6.9 6.9 6.9 6.9
Sheetz
Sheetz is everywhere, it won’t die, and I hate it. Actually, the first time a high school kid called me gay (the f-word) was at a Sheetz. I was just minding my own business, pumping gas, when somebody shouted it out from the parking lot. Anyway, I associate Sheetz (and their food) with that memory. All of their food is like some homophobic kid calling you gay.
I don’t think anything is worth ordering at Sheetz. All of their food has a gummy, microwaved texture. And this isn’t a Sheetz vs. Wawa thing. They’re both fucking bad.
However, Sheetz proves that even bad pepperoni rolls are still be pretty good. All they need to be successful is a ton of low moisture mozzarella and cheap pepperoni, which isn’t worst thing in the world. When it has those things, you get nostalgic, high school cafeteria vibes. Still, I wouldn’t ever order another pepperoni roll from Sheetz unless some horrible tragedy has befallen me, which it probably will. Life is full of ups and downs.
Danny’s Official Score:
D+
Rolling Pepperoni
At Rolling Pepperoni, owner/chef Kat Schuler celebrates her Appalachian heritage in wonderful and delicious ways, and we all benefit.
What I like about Rolling Pepperoni (in addition to the focus on Appalachian culture and awareness), is that the pepperoni rolls come in varieties. The Wagon Wheelie, which features pepperoni, dill pickles, red onions and provolone cheese, is slightly tangy and bitey. The Monongahela, which features a medley of chopped olives, adds an addictive brininess that I adore. There’s a vegan option, too. Pepperoni rolls for the modern palate. Welcome to the future.
All of bread is deliciously soft, and the portions and prices are totally reasonable. Every pepperoni roll is under $5. These aren’t overloaded with processed cheese and pepperoni. In short, they won’t make you feel like shit. Kat does a lot to preserve and celebrate Appalachian culture. Support her and her work. She’s dope.
Danny’s Official Score:
A.3 (combining decimal points and grades now)
Rolling Pepperoni
6140 Butler St, Pittsburgh, PA 15201
The Bread Chef
This pepperoni roll comes from Youngstown, Ohio, home of The Bread Chef, whose actual name is Mike. I’ve been getting bread from Mike’s small strip mall bakery for years now. He makes astonishing loaves of semolina, sourdough, and pumpernickel, so it’s no surprise that Mike also crushes pepperoni rolls.
This picture is exactly what I want out of a pepperoni roll. Sliced, layered, stained with pepperoni grease, great crumb, visually soft, the outside bread scored, and a taste that’s salty, fatty, spicy. Great fuckin’ job, Mike. It’s simple, but there’s enough finesse here that it’s well above your average pepperoni roll.
Bonus Move: Mike also serves pizza greens, which are essentially a pepperoni roll that replaces the pepperoni with spinach. The mixture of greens and mozzarella works really well inside of Mike’s soft Italian rolls.
Danny’s Official Score:
8.2, which is like an A-
The Bread Chef
850 E Western Reserve Rd #5, Youngstown, OH 44514
Police Station Pizza
There’s an ironic lawlessness to Police Station Pizza’s ordering system. Walk through the front door, and immediately a guy wearing an apron is going to shout-ask how many slices you want. It’s only after the pizza comes out of the oven that you’re pushed about toppings. That’s because Police Station Pizza serves their toppings cold. Why? I don’t know. All I know is that it’s called Ohio Valley Pizza and that it’s mostly served in Pittsburgh. So, go fuck yourself, I guess?
In my opinion, cold pepperoni on warm pizza sucks, but Police Station Pizza serves my favorite pepperoni roll of the entire bunch. This log costs six dollars, and it’s absolutely stuffed with spicy pepperoni. The bread itself is incredible. The roll is impossibly fluffy, chewy, and just outright heavenly. Well-made Italian roll through and through. I’m craving it as I write this, nearly 3,000 miles away. The pizza sauce on the side is very sweet, and oh, it’s free. They ask if you want it after you get your pepperoni roll.
Danny’s Official Score:
My favorite pepperoni roll. There is no grade, but it had all of my favorite attributes of a stellar pepperoni roll: Soft, chewy, delicious tasting roll stuffed with excellent pepperoni and cheese. The pizza sauce being so flavorful also a huge bonus.
Police Station Pizza
1007 Merchant St, Ambridge, PA 15003
That’s it! Thanks for reading The Move. I know that most of you won’t ever be in New Castle Pennsylvania or Youngstown or Ambridge, but hey, you never know. Plus, sometimes it’s fun to read about things that you’re never going to try, right?
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Pepolis doesn't deserve such a high score. Maybe a 2.7 but thats purely because the bread is decent and tasty. But i'd actually like pepperoni with it.. Recently it's a single sandwich pepperoni slice buried within the doughball. While the bread is good, it doesn't make up for the fact that they are cutting corners now. It's mostly bread and the garbage quality of pepperoni they use combined with the fact that they don't use much of it at all, sadly, leaves me wanting a better pepperoni roll.